The World Cup in South Africa is almost here. People are worried about the violence that could potentially happen down there. Our advice is stop worrying- because it’s going to happen, but it won’t be Sam from Soweto robbing you; it will be Marty from Melbourne and the rest of his soccerooligan mates. We’re heading over and we mean business. We’ve potentially pulled one of the hardest groups, with two-time world war starter Germany heading our group. So with form like that battling on the streets of Jo Berg isn’t going to be easy. To make matters even tougher we also drew Serbia With opponents like these we’re going to have to be at peak condition. Here’s our run down of Australia’s group.

Serbia

FOOTBALL FIGHTING HISTORY: Rightfully so the residents of the Balkans cannot bare to think of the memories of the recent war, but this pales in comparison to the thoughts in the Soccerooligans minds when they drew Serbia- they knew this was going to be tough.

Hopefully war crimes tribunals will keep at bay a few of their top boys. Adding to some of the spice is the fact that Croatia [Serbia’s main rival] fields a team comprised almost entirely of Australians. This is except the ironically named ‘Aussie’ Joe Simunic who was named after the bogan war cry ‘Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi’ because he too is fucking shit.

Ghana

FOOTBALL FIGHTING HISTORY: ‘Kick start the action’ and ‘get you going’ are two sentences associated with Ghana. But that’s only people that can’t properly pronounce ‘guarana’ which they’re actually talking about. In comparison not much is known about Ghana’s punching on capacity all though one fact is evident- they’re from Africa which is a place that should never be underestimated. They’ll need to be at the top of their game to get past Serbia or at the very least fight dirty and bring along some of their witch doctors or by the time they get to the Soccerooligans it’s not ‘ghana’ be pretty.

Germany

FOOTBALL FIGHTING HISTORY: Their most famous incident was during a goodwill ceasefire on Christmas Eve WW1. The Germans soldiers played football with British troops between the trenches before some of Germany’s top boys looked to let off some flares. After failing to find anyone mustard gas was used as substitute. Tension reached boiling point and after a German soldier thought he heard a Pom call him a ‘stupid fucking kraut cunt’ the cease fire was soon scrapped. German and English troops then fought pitched battles home and away until 1945 resulting in 47 knuckle duster related concussions and 25,9897,889 deaths.